Used, chapter 34

[darkdreamer]

Okay, LJ's giving me fits today... don't know why this isn't working right... I had to delete the last post, and we'll see if this one works any better :) Hope you enjoy the update :) *hugs* DoS

Title: Used
Beta: californiaquail 
Rating: R
Pairing: House/Wilson friendship, House/Cuddy friendship, eventual Wilson/OFC, and possible House/Cuddy
Warnings: implied non-con, violence and non-con of a flashback/memory sort, mild language, general angst and trauma and darkness
Summary: House endures the unimaginable...will his friends be able to deal with it? Will he be able to deal with it? A story about damaged human beings, and ultimately recovery and healing


Chapter 34
Triumphant Return

 

The hospital had never looked so imposing.

House hesitated at the entrance, Wilson at his side. He stared up at the large sign over the door with large, apprehensive eyes, a solemn expression of resignation on his face. He knew that once he walked through those double glass doors, there would be no turning back. He would have broken Tritter’s commands, and whatever retribution the man had in mind would be aimed in his direction.

Suddenly, he didn’t feel as brave as he had felt, huddled in the corner of his office two days earlier, when he had hesitantly decided to defy Tritter’s orders.

And isn’t that a sad and pathetic thought if I’ve ever had one...

“You can do this.” Wilson made a point of speaking softly, before he placed a light, cautious hand on House’s shoulder. “I know it’s hard...”

“Are you mocking my disability?” House demanded in a tone of exaggerated offense, raising an eyebrow at Wilson. “Are you insinuating I don’t think I can walk through those doors?” House’s shoulders straightened, shaking Wilson’s hand off his shoulder in the process, but the look in his eyes told Wilson that it was not really intentional. “I’m not handicapped,” House declared. “I’m handi-capable.” He smirked at the cliché before turning back toward the doors and taking a firm, deliberate step forward. “I can do anything.”

Wilson stood back and watched him as he walked through the double doors, the amused smile on his face fading into a more serious expression of affectionate concern. “Yeah, House,” he replied quietly, though House was too far ahead to hear him. “I know you can.”

*****************************

House was barely through the front doors when he heard Cuddy’s voice, surprisingly sharp and accusing as she stuck her head out the door of her office.

“House. My office, now.”

House smirked at the nurse behind the counter, who was giving him a curious look. He felt uncertain and self-conscious, wondering how much, if anything, had already slipped out to make its way through the hospital’s gossip networks. House quickly covered with an overused but suitably offensive joke.

“She just can’t get enough,” he explained to the nurse with a shrug and a lecherous wink.

When the girl just rolled her eyes and turned away in disgust, House felt a sense of satisfaction and reassurance that he hadn’t lost either his edge or his reputation among the hospital staff. He strolled casually into Cuddy’s office, managing to conceal his anxiety and apprehension until he was seated across from her.

“I’ve barely walked in the door and I’m in trouble already?” His tone was mild, teasing, but there was clear worry in his eyes as he searched her face.

She gave him a reassuring smile. “No, everything’s fine¼” She shrugged. “Just… have to keep up appearances, don’t we?”

Worry shifted to irritation as House interrupted to venture a guess. “You just wanted me to check in with you before starting work again, so you can judge for yourself whether or not I need a babysitter, or whether or not I should even be here at all – how close to the edge I am right now. Right?”

Cuddy ignored his terse, accusing tone, keeping her own calm and pleasant as she smiled at him and held out a patient file across the desk. “Wrong. You’ve got a case.”

House stared at the file in surprise, before raising questioning eyes to hers. “You really think that’s a good idea right now?”

“No. I think a better idea would be for me to pay you to sit around your office all day with nothing to do but think, and pay your team to sit around and stare at you.” Cuddy’s sarcasm was gentle, a single brow raised in challenge as she held his gaze. “That’s obviously a more efficient, productive use of your time and theirs than saving a patient’s life.”

House stared at the file, swallowing hard. “I can’t even save myself, Cuddy,” he said at last, his voice quiet and carefully even. “What if I.. can’t focus? What if I’m too distracted to... to do my job?”

“You need to do your job because you need a distraction, House,” Cuddy reminded him. “I know you – and I know that once you start thinking about this case, figuring out this mystery – you won’t be able to think about anything else until it’s solved.” She paused, waiting for him to meet her eyes again. Her voice softened as she added, “And I think that’d be a really good thing right now.”

House was still hesitant. He looked at the file again, still making no move to take it. “I... I don’t know...”

“Patient is exhibiting symptoms of early onset Alzheimer’s , in combination with intermittent arrhythmia and tachycardia...”

House shook his head, only half-listening. “Maybe you should give it to...”

“The patient is twelve.”

House immediately fell silent, a surprised frown creasing his brow, his head tilting slightly as he regarded the chart in her hand with new interest. For the first time since the assault… something else had captured his attention. He met Cuddy’s eyes again, unable to suppress a reluctant smile at the triumphant, almost mischievous expression on her face.

She knew she had won, even before he reached out in exaggerated frustration to snatch the folder from her hand.

*****************************

House’s first day back at work was not quite the nightmare he had anticipated.

Close.

But at the end of the day, he was still alive, and so was his patient, so… not quite.

When he first walked into the conference room, it was just as he had expected – sickeningly humiliating.

All three of his employees seemed to be desperately trying to behave as if they didn’t know about what had happened to him – which was just weird and awkward and annoying, considering that House knew very well that they did know about it.

Foreman’s and Chase’s efforts were admirable, and they managed to keep any trace of sympathy or shock or whatever else they might be feeling about him to themselves – but for the entirety of the day, they seemed utterly incapable of making eye contact with him.

House wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or not.

Cameron, for her part, seemed to have no such hang-ups with eye contact. It seemed that every time he glanced in her direction, she was staring at him with resigned, sorrowful eyes, much as she might look at a puppy that had been hit by a car, and so badly damaged that the only option left was to put it to sleep – which only served to make House feel even more like the lost cause that he already suspected he was.

However, Cuddy was right about one thing.

Once they started the differential, it was a matter of moments before House’s attention was focused on the mystery, rather than his own personal tragedy. He couldn’t help but fall into his regular rhythm, pushing and pulling his team along toward the correct conclusion… and before long, his staff followed suit.

The case was intriguing enough to hold their attention as well as his own, and for a little while, House was able to forget about the dark cloud of dread that had been covering him for the last week.

When he sent them away to run the first series of tests, Cameron was the last to go. She started out the door, then stopped, hesitating in the doorway. After a moment, she began tentatively. “House...”

“Unless you’re about to argue about the test I just ordered, or tell me what a brilliant idea it was, please don’t speak and go away.” He cut her off abruptly, his eyes focused on the patient file on the table in front of him. He looked up then, considering a moment, but still not looking at her as he amended, “Actually, if it’s that first thing, you can go away, too.”

Cameron’s mouth closed without saying another word, and though he still had not looked at her, she nodded and wisely walked away.

That was the only real close call he had during the course of the day. The case kept both him and his team busy enough that they really had no time to question him, or attempt to comfort him, or whatever reactions they might have thought appropriate to this situation which had no appropriate reactions.

Finally, the patient correctly diagnosed and on her way to recovery, House sent his team home, and waited in his office for Wilson to finish his paperwork and be ready to go home.

It was only then that the dark shadows that had been hiding in the corners of his mind throughout the day made their presence known again.

Now you’ve gone and done it... You saved the patient, but you’ve just screwed yourself. He’s gonna be furious now... He’s gonna come after you, and he’s gonna punish you for going against his orders... You’ll never make it home alive tonight...

Every light in his office was turned on, and he sat with his desk chair against the wall, so that he could see every possible angle of entrance from where he sat, waiting – and still, he felt the cold tendrils of terror winding their way around his heart, squeezing tighter and tighter in his chest until he felt like he couldn’t breathe. His heart was pounding, his breathing rapid, his palms damp as he crossed his arms over his stomach and closed his eyes, willing the irrational reaction away... with no success.

I’m dead... I’m so dead... He’s gonna be waiting for me, outside, in the parking lot, at my apartment... I’ll never see him coming...

“Hey... House?”

Cuddy’s gentle, concerned voice drew him out of the dark spiral of his thoughts. He looked up at her, grateful for the distraction, as well as the company, but not particularly reassured of his safety. She picked up the visitor’s chair on the other side of his desk, bringing it with her and placing it close to his chair before sitting down. She reached out to take his hands in hers, gently pulling them down, pulling him out of his defensive stance.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, searching his gaze as she spoke.

House just shook his head, his eyes solemn and troubled. “This was a huge mistake.”

Cuddy frowned, momentarily confused, as she shook her head. “No, it wasn’t. You did fine today, House. You saved that girl’s life.”

“But Tritter’s got to know already... I know he does,” House reminded her, feeling sick to his stomach as he spoke the words. “He’s probably already waiting to... to...”

“House,” Cuddy interrupted in a voice that was stern in spite of her compassion for him, “listen to me. He can’t get to you – and he won’t try, not unless he’s an idiot. There are security cameras up all over your apartment... all around your apartment... and all over this hospital. And there’s the security system which was just installed. If he’s really been watching you, he’s got to know that coming after you in any of those areas is a bad idea.”

“Yeah. What about all the areas in between?” House pointed out dubiously.

“You won’t be alone, House. And Wilson has the gun. If Tritter tries anything, you’ll still be protected,” Cuddy reminded him. “And you’ve got the emergency phone. If something does happen, you’ve got me, Wilson, Jenna, and 9-1-1 on speed dial. You’ll be fine.”

“I should have just stayed home,” House insisted, his voice sullen and angry, his eyes focused on the desk in front of him. “At least then I wouldn’t be on the verge of panic over a little thing like going to work...”

“You’d be on the verge of panic over some other little thing,” Cuddy countered.

House looked up at her, surprised by her blunt words, but unable to deny the truth of them.

“Don’t forget why you decided to do this, House,” Cuddy went on gently. “Sitting at home scared has got to be worse than being scared here. At least here, you have things to occupy your time, keep your own thoughts from driving you out of your mind. You’re not letting him win, House. You’re not letting him continue to control you.”

“No,” House conceded, meeting her eyes. “I’m just giving him a reason to kill me.”

Cuddy was quiet for a moment, considering. When she spoke again, her tone was flippant, but her eyes were warm, taking the sting out of her utterly inappropriate, teasing words.

“Well, if that’s the case, it’s too late now. He can’t kill you any more if you come back tomorrow.”

House glared at her, though in spite of the serious nature of the conversation, he found that he couldn’t quite suppress a slight smile. The comment just sounded so much like something he might have said, to someone else in his position.

“Hey, guys. Ready to go?”

Wilson appeared in the doorway, an affectionate smile appearing on his face when he took in the close intimacy of the scene, Cuddy and House seated mere inches from each other, his hands still clasped comfortably in hers.

House nodded... then looked at Cuddy in surprise, when she nodded, too.

“I’m coming with you guys,” she explained with a shrug. “Safety in numbers and all that.”

As they made their way to the car, House was tense and quiet, despite the efforts of both Cuddy and Wilson to draw him into conversation. They tried to distract him from his fears, but he seemed to view their voices as nothing more than irritating noise, masking the possible sounds of danger around them. He kept looking over his shoulder, jumping at the slightest sound, until they finally reached the safety of the car.

“See?” Wilson said as he got into the driver’s seat, noting with a pang of sympathy the way House rushed to lock his door the moment it was closed behind him. “Nothing happened. We’re fine.”

But even as he spoke, he discreetly shifted his hand off the handle of the gun, where it had been poised and ready throughout the entire walk to the car.

“So come on,” Cuddy said as Wilson started the car and pulled onto the road, giving House’s shoulder a gently teasing push. “Admit it. You had so much fun today.”

“Yeah,” House sneered. “Being gawked at by a bunch of pathetic idiots who were too concerned with my issues to do their jobs. It was a blast.”

Cuddy’s eyes narrowed, her tone hardening as she demanded, “Which idiots? What’d they do?”

House rolled his eyes, letting out a sigh as he admitted, “Nothing, really. They were actually... okay, I guess. I mean, it was... awkward, of course. But... I guess they were really... all right about it.”

He was quiet for a moment, as Cuddy relaxed in the back seat, reassured by his explanation. Finally, he went on in a reluctant, almost sullen voice, barely audible over the car’s engine.

“And... the case. Diagnosing that patient.” He cleared his throat, loathe to admit that she was right, but having no choice. “Didn’t suck.”

“Yes!” Wilson exulted, pumping his fist in a gesture of victory, laughing when House gave him a slightly suspicious look. “So you’re coming back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure,” House sighed, conceding defeat as he looked out the window. “Provided I’m still alive tomorrow.”

TBC...






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Comments

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

The cut is not working...


Gabrielle

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

i know... i cant figure out how to get it to work *sigh* i've posted and reposted twice now, tried to edit it... in the edit post box, the cut is there, looks fine... *sigh*

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

The rich text might be the problem. People seem to be having problems when using it.


Gabrielle

[arhh.livejournal.com]

This was great, poor House.... I love how Cuddy is treating him, I love your Cuddy- she is more like Cuddy than Cuddy has been recently. Thanks for sharing :)

As for the lj cut.... you might have to go to the html tab and go through it to take out all cut tags and then try again- had a similar issue the other day and that is what I had to do.

[starskyslady.livejournal.com]

This was a good chapter to show how House is trying to move along. If not for Cuddy and Wilson he'd probably be sitting at home, jumping at every sound.

As it is he still finds the hospital threatening but for a very different reason...he's now crossed Tritters explicit instructions to not go back to work.

No matter who he surrounds himself with and how many securuity cameras there are you can feel him waiting for the other shoe to drop.

...thank God Cameron kept her mouth shut...that's all he needs right now!!!

as for the formating...looked fine...just changed colors a couple of times. The nave blue was actually easier to read against the light background.

[amproof.livejournal.com]

sorry if this has been said, but check your lj-cut on this one, sweetie. :)

ok, yeah, could be the rich text formatting causing the problem. I never use it. I'm straight html myself. :)

Great to see more of this. I do enjoy it. :)

I have a theory on the counter--nerd, I know--do you put it behind the lj-cut? B/c if not, then it's going to increase whenever someone loads their friends page, whether they are reading the story or not. But if it is under the cut, then it will only get hit when someone clicks through to actually read the story.

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

finally got the cut fixed :P it was an error with the coding... the color is still off, but i don't have the energy to mess with it anymore :P thanx, love :)

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

i went through the html and fixed it, thanx, hon :) *hugs*

[misanthropicobs.livejournal.com]

I really liked this section. House back at work is just exactly where he should be. Yes, I know that he is still very fearful about Tritter and what he will do but at least this way it isn't a constant thing since he has to think about other things when involved with a patient. Just the fact that House was able, despite everything that has happened, to find out what was wrong with the patient and get them started on the correct treatment should help some in letting him know that ultimately Tritter is so wrong about his being worthless.

The fear and sense of waiting for Tritter's next move is unfortunately something that is probably going to be present for awhile. Even when (hopefully) Tritter is stopped that feeling isn't going to go away immediately. The fact the he continues to trust Cuddy and Wilson to help is a very big factor in his being able to do this at all and does show that there has been some progress towards an eventual recovery. House is showing by his small effort to play the "ass" with the nurse and to an extent with Cuddy that he has taken the initial steps toward that recovery. It was very good seeing him able to act like that even for a short time.

I still think that Cameron is going to do or say something really stupid eventually. House is probably also aware of that and knows that eventually he is going to have to set some more limits with her. He has done it before by being especially cutting with her when she got carried away with the overly concerned stuff. Somehow I just don't trust her to let House take whatever steps he has to at his own pace. Her not doing that right now is a very good thing because House is so ill at ease that it wouldn't have taken much to push him right back to the apartment.

[azooke.livejournal.com]

Another great chapter! It's nice to have House back in his natural environment and for him to be bantering with Wilson and Cuddy. Still nerve-wracking though, mostly because Tritter won't stay away for long, especially with House openly defying him.

*For a split second when I started reading this, I was thinking for some reason it was "Losing It" and I was like, "Wilson is with House? Noooooooo!"

[evila-elf.livejournal.com]

Ah, normallacy...better enjoy it while it lasts lol.
I was feeling almost as tense as House was, just waiting for something to happen (even the chiche'd cat knocking over garbage can lids lol).

If you want any html help, I can e-mail helpful codes if you want :-)

[bonomania.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've ever enjoyed a fic so much (if enjoyed is the right word).

Favourite bit:

“Yes!” Wilson exulted, pumping his fist in a gesture of victory, laughing when House gave him a slightly suspicious look. “So you’re coming back tomorrow?”

I laughed so hard!

Role on chapter 35! x

[2cbetter2.livejournal.com]

As happy as I was to see House go back to work and successfully treat a new patient (how he needed that) I am also very nervous about what'll come from this defiance aganist Tritter. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad House IS not doing what Tritter ordered him to do in this instance but it also makes me nervous because Tritter is bound to be furious when he finds out House hasn't given up his job at the hospital.

Oh and I am glad Cameron kept quiet about this and I hope she continues to do so because the last thing House needs is for her to start her usual thing. Oh and speaking of dread, I am also worry she's still going to do something enormously stupid before it's over with.

Guess we'll have to wait and see huh?

[stlyn.livejournal.com]

Very nice. I like Cuddy's bluntness.

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

thanx, love, glad you enjoyed it :) *hugs* and yeah, house is now having to face constant fear of reprisals for his disobedience :( but at least he's not facing them alone, at home in boredom with nothing to do but be afraid

hope you enjoy the next chapter, hon, i just posted it :) *hugs*

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

awwww, thanx so much, so glad you like my cuddy :) *hugs* and yeah, i had to go through and fix the coding... thanx for the advice :) hope you enjoy the next chapter, it's up now :)

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

thanx, love, i think your theory is accurate :) seems to be making a difference, and now my numbers seem more realistic... *hugs* hope you like the next chapter, it's up now :)

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

yeah, house is at least making an effort, though it's not at all easy for him, and now he's got to face the added fears of tritter's reprisals for his disobedience :( thanx, love, glad you liked the chapter... *Hugs* the next one's up now :)

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

heheeh... sorry for the confusion, this is *good*!wilson :P and yeah, now they've got to worry about tritter's retaliation for house's disobedience :-S

thanx, love, glad you liked the chapter... the next one is up now :) *Hugs* DoS

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

hehe... yeah normal never lasts long here :P hehe

*hugs* thanx, love, i may be turning to you for those codes later on :) glad you liked this chapter, hon, the next one is up now :)

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

hehehe... glad you liked that bit, hon :) it made me smile to think of wilson like that :) *hugs* thanx for your kind words, the next chapter is up now, hope you like it as well :)

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

yeah, tritter's not going to be happy about this :( thanx, love, so glad you liked the chapter :) the next is up now, hope you like :) *Hugs*

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

thanx, love, glad you liked cuddy in this one... the next chapter's up now, hope you like it as well :) *hugs*