Used, chapter 36
Oct. 10th, 2008 10:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
darkdreamerTitle: Used
Beta:
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
zeppomarx Rating: R
Pairing: House/Wilson friendship, House/Cuddy friendship, Wilson/OFC, and possible future House/Cuddy, not in this fic though :P
Warnings: implied and explicit non-con, violence and non-con of a flashback/memory sort, mild language, general angst and trauma and darkness
Summary: House endures the unimaginable...will his friends be able to deal with it? Will he be able to deal with it? A story about damaged human beings, and ultimately recovery and healing
Chapter 36
Trying to Deal
Jenna watched, feeling helpless and useless, as Wilson dropped to his knees in front of his shaken friend. Feeling guilty, she tucked the offending tape recorder into her pocket.
“House… it’s all right. You’re safe. It’s okay…”
House blinked at Wilson through wide, shell-shocked eyes, at first not able to understand his words. His arms were wrapped defensively around his torso, and his skin was pale. A cold sweat shimmered on his face as he shivered and stared blankly up at his friend, Wilson’s words finally registering.
“Okay?” House echoed at last. “H-how is this… okay? I’m not safe. He was here. Today. He was… at the hospital. Oh, God…”
As he spoke, his words came faster and faster, his breath dangerously shallow and rapid. Wilson reached out cautiously to grasp House’s arms, wanting to ground him, to pull him back from the edge of panic on which he was so precariously balanced.
“House… you need to calm down,” he warned him gently. “Take a deep breath… listen to me…”
“No! Don’t touch me!”
The moment Wilson’s hands brushed his skin, House flinched with a cry of terrified protest, knocking his head against the doorjamb in his frantic effort to escape. The pain only intensified his panic, and he huddled in the doorway, eyes tightly closed, shaking his head in denial.
Wilson felt utterly helpless as he stared at his friend, unable to think of the right words or actions to comfort him, to bring him back to reality. He wasn’t even sure such words existed at all. Lost in his memories, House was unable to perceive Wilson’s touch as anything but threatening at the moment, and nothing he had said so far seemed to have helped.
After the encouraging progress over the weekend, when House had finally allowed Wilson to hold him and comfort him, it felt like a terrible loss.
Cuddy emerged from the bathroom – then froze in the doorway. A moment later she went into action, moving swiftly toward them and crouching at House’s side.
“What happened?” She turned her bewildered gaze toward Wilson.
He shook his head, disgusted with himself for playing a part in this disaster. “Tritter left a message on the answering machine. House… House heard it…”
House was huddled, shaking, in the doorway, head lowered against his chest, curled in on himself as if trying to hide. For such a tall man, he looked terribly small and vulnerable. It was not how any of them were accustomed to seeing him – and it was deeply disturbing.
“House,” Cuddy attempted, keeping her voice quiet and calm as she edged closer to him, without actually touching him. “House… hey… it’s all right…”
He just shook his head, a despairing, tearless sob torn from his throat – and the sound tore at Cuddy’s heart, expressing without words his complete conviction that it was not all right – that nothing was ever going to be all right again.
Cautiously, she placed a gentle hand on his left thigh, wincing inwardly when she saw the painful way his right leg was bent under him. She had to get him out of that position, and quickly, or he would regret it later. Flinching slightly at her touch, House didn’t pull away from her; and after a moment, he seemed marginally calmer.
Encouraged, she shifted closer on her knees, placing her other hand on his upper arm. Her eyes focused on House, keeping her voice soothing and even, Cuddy spoke softly.
“Could you two please give us a minute?”
Jenna immediately headed for the back door, but paused when she saw Wilson’s hesitation. There was a hurt expression on his face as observed the difference in the way House reacted to his attempts at comfort, and Cuddy’s, albeit small, success. When Cuddy glanced up at him in impatient expectation, he finally moved, passing Jenna and stalking out the back door, slamming it hard behind him.
Jenna cast an apologetic glance at Cuddy, who was glaring up at the door through which Wilson had just disappeared, before quietly following him.
******************************
Wilson was pacing in the backyard, quietly furious. When Jenna stepped outside, he didn’t see her at first. He ran a trembling hand through his dark hair, before abruptly slamming both fists angrily against the side of the building.
“Damn it!”
He was quiet a moment, leaning forward to rest his forehead against the wall for a moment, his shoulders shaking, and Jenna wasn’t sure whether it was with tears or bitter, slightly mad laughter. He finally raised his head and saw her out of the corner of his eye. Turning to face her and leaning back against the wall, shaking his throbbing hands in front of him, he gave her a sad, rueful smile.
“That whole pounding-the-wall-in-frustration thing works much better in theory than in practice.”
The weakly self-deprecating humor made Jenna feel comfortable enough to approach him. “He can’t help it,” she reminded him gently. “It wasn’t you he was seeing in there…”
“I know that.” He cut her off quietly, frowning. His eyes widened with surprise. “God… you think I’m mad at him?” A short bark of laughter accompanied a heavenward roll of his eyes, before he met her gaze again, his own anguished with guilt. “Did you even see how I acted in there? I was – was useless with him. I know better than to try to touch him when he’s like that, but… but after the last time… I thought…” His voice trailed off, and he shook his head in defeat. “I should have known better.”
“You care about him.” Jenna’s voice was reassuring as she closed the remaining distance between them, tentatively reaching out to take his hand. “You just wanted to help. You weren’t trying to…”
Wilson cut her off with an emphatic wave of his hand toward the back door, his voice angry and disgusted as he continued. “And what the hell was that… that little temper tantrum on the way out the door? When he’s in the middle of a freaking break down on the floor, and I can’t hold it together until I get outside, can’t hold it together for just two seconds longer…”
Squeezing his hand to get his attention, Jenna softly pointed out, “There are times when you really can’t hold it together – not even for two seconds longer. Not when you’ve been holding it together for so long already.”
Wilson raised his dark eyes to meet hers gratefully, as he let out a weary sigh, taking a moment to catch his breath, to bring his emotions back under control.
“Tritter’s going to make a move. Soon.”
Jenna blinked, momentarily thrown by the sudden subject change, noting the worry in Wilson’s dark eyes. She suppressed an affectionate – and totally inappropriate – smile, realizing that Wilson’s self-pity couldn’t last more than a few moments in the face of House’s more important needs.
As she considered his words, however, her sober expression was suddenly much easier to maintain. “Yes,” she agreed. “I think he is. Going back to work… it was… was the right thing. He’d lose his mind just sitting around with nothing to do, but… but I think maybe… maybe it might have been better to wait a while. Just until we can get this guy in jail…”
“That could be a while yet,” Wilson ran his hand through his hair again. “And House… he can’t just… I’m not sure he could have lasted another day with nothing to do but sit in his apartment and… and remember…”
Abruptly, Wilson broke down, covering his face with his hands, and turned away from her. Jenna was touched by the depth of concern and affection he obviously held for his friend. He had been trying so hard to be strong for House, without any regard for his own emotions regarding the assault, that his emotions were dangerously on edge, not nearly as under control as he had fooled himself into believing they were.
She reached out to him, moving around to face him again, touching his arms in a comforting gesture. After a moment, he lowered his hands, swiping almost angrily at his tears as he struggled to regain his composure.
“I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Jenna…”
“Nothing to be sorry for,” she assured him. She hesitated, biting her lip uncertainly before continuing. “James… what I asked you… inside…”
“Don’t,” Wilson quietly advised, giving her a warning look.
Jenna shook her head, dropping her hands from his arms and taking a step back, aware that she was about to cross a line – but somehow, unable to stop. “It’s just… none of you are reacting to this like an ordinary assault. I mean… yeah, it’s serious and all. He was obviously very badly hurt, but… usually a grown man wouldn’t be so traumatized by something like getting beat up.”
She held her breath, waiting for the explosion she half-expected to follow her ill-advised pushing. But when Wilson finally spoke, his voice was tired, defeated. He seemed to lack the energy to be angry with her, even if he had wanted to.
“Jenna… you’re smart. Draw your own conclusions. But… I can’t tell you anything else. He asked me not to, and it’s his business.” He sighed, turning away slightly as he added under his breath, “And I’ve been enough of a failure as a friend tonight.”
“You haven’t…”
Wilson stopped her with a halting hand, shaking his head. “Don’t. There’s no time for this right now. House… House needs us to come up with some decent way of protecting him.”
“The alarm system worked…”
“Yes, but if Tritter knows it’s there… and about the cameras, apparently… We really have no way of knowing how much he knows about the security measures we’ve taken, but it’s probably safe to say he knows all of it.” Wilson’s tone was pensive, thoughtful, his gaze focused on a point past Jenna as he considered their situation. “If he knows the security system is there – then it’s only a matter of time before he figures out a way to disable it. It’s probably easy for him. We really don’t know for sure what kind of connections he has…”
“Not to mention the fact that any time House is en route between work and here, or Dr. Cuddy’s apartment, or anywhere… he’s not really secure,” Jenna pointed out. “Defying Tritter’s orders was a big, important step for House – but it means Tritter’s going to be stepping up his game, too. Passive defense isn’t going to be enough anymore.” Jenna paused for emphasis, holding Wilson’s gaze. “We need to plan an offense.”
Wilson’s brow was creased in a frown, intrigued.
“What exactly did you have in mind?”
****************************
“Come on… let’s get you up off that leg.”
Cuddy carefully placed House’s arm across her shoulders, then struggled to her feet, pulling him up with her. His eyes were downcast, his shoulders slumped, utterly subdued and defeated – but at least he was calm now. Cuddy helped him to the couch, keeping her arms tight around him, even when they were seated. Finally, he looked up at her, his eyes haunted and fearful.
“Do you think… do you think he really was at the hospital today?”
His voice was hushed, quietly desperate, as he searched her eyes for reassurance – and that fact alone was deeply unsettling to Cuddy. It wasn’t like House to seek meaningless comfort in place of a truth too difficult to handle – but now that appeared to be the case.
At any rate, she didn’t have the heart to deny it to him.
“He was probably lying, House,” she assured him. “He didn’t have to actually go there, in order to say it and freak you out. If he’d been there, he probably would have made sure you saw him.”
As she spoke, she was relieved that her words actually made sense – because if her reasoning had been faulty, despite his desperation, House wouldn’t have bought it.
“He… he was here, though.” House’s voice lowered to a whisper. “He tried to get in.” He paused a moment, before continuing with quiet certainty.
“He’ll try again – only next time, he’ll succeed.”
“House… he can’t get past the…”
“He can get past whatever he wants to get past, Cuddy,” he cut her off abruptly, looking up again to meet her eyes. “Fooling myself sounds like a lot of fun right now, but it won’t do any of us a damn bit of good. He’s going to try again, and he’s going to be armed, and our security measures won’t mean a thing when he does. Denying that is useless and idiotic.”
Cuddy watched him closely as he spoke, encouraged despite his grim words by the strength she heard returning in his tone. As she had suspected, House was unable to allow himself to take comfort in lies. When he spoke again, she felt a rush of pride and affection for him, at the fierce, determined spark she saw in his eyes.
“We need a new plan.”
TBC...
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![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 05:32 pm (UTC)Looking forward to this 'new plan' yaay!
thanks
Date: 2008-10-10 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 07:02 pm (UTC)Oh...thanks for that wish fulfillment.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 11:25 pm (UTC)I stopped reading it because I was getting into ll the Dark Wilson drabbles, and the contradicting Wilsons were(was?) giving me a headache. I forgot to start up, and now I'm 7 chapters behind! Oops.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-10 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-11 12:59 am (UTC)And poor Willson! I can see why he is ahving a problem, and that he has only had a dore smal temper trantrum is good. Many people would jsut walk away (for fear of makign things worse, not 'cause they are assholes) but atleast he is trying.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-11 06:16 am (UTC)First how I hate it House DID overhear that message Tritter left because it undoes all the progress House has made in believing Tritter isn't all powerful. I also hate it for Wilson because of House's reaction to his attempt to comfort him and just so soon after House had accepted his touch again.
I am glad Cuddy was still there to see to House especially when she got him up off his leg since it hurts him badly enough as it is.
I am also glad Jenna was still there to talk to Wilson because he's angry, frustrated, and hurt.
Lastly I am glad that perhaps House is finally getting to the stage his fear of Tritter is turning into anger, and with that anger he's now wanting to really fight back.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-13 04:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 02:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 02:52 am (UTC)Re: thanks
Date: 2008-10-14 02:54 am (UTC)as for wilson's breakdown, it had to happen, definitely... though house couldn't take it right now, and lisa's too caught up in being *house's* support to be there for wilson like he really needs... that's where jenna comes in :)
thanx, love, so glad you liked this chapter :) *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 02:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 03:01 am (UTC)thanx, love, so glad you enjoyed the chapter :) *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-09 03:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-09 10:44 pm (UTC)