Losing It, Chapter 37

[darkdreamer]

Hi, guys :) Here's the latest update of Losing It. For those of you who aren't so into that sort of thing, I'll warn you: this chapter contains the heaviest Huddy content in the story. After this chapter, we'll be getting back to House's interactions with Wilson, what's going to happen to Wilson, etc... but in this chapter, House and Cuddy take some comfort in each other and do a little reminiscing. After this, there probably won't be a lot of physical Huddy stuff in the rest of the fic :P

Thanks for reading, guys, and looking forward to your comments :)

Title: Losing It
Betaed by: misanthropicobs

Rating: R (NC-17 THIS CHAPTER ONLY!!)
Pairing: sort of House/Wilson, story is mostly focused on a twisted relationship between House and Wilson, though a non-sexual one; House/Cuddy friendship
Summary: After Amber's death, Wilson is having trouble moving on, he cant bring himself to forgive his former friend for the part he played in her loss. All he can think about is vengeance. House is willing to do anything to earn back Wilson's friendship, and this proves to be a recipe for disaster.
Warnings: abuse, violence, dark themes, mild language, *very* dark Wilson throughout

Chapter 37
A Moment's Peace

 

Breathless from the latest in a series of intense kisses, Cuddy somehow managed to find the presence of mind to reluctantly pull away. She looked up at House with uncertainty in her troubled, searching blue eyes.

“Are you… absolutely sure you want to do this?”

House blinked at her in momentary disbelief, his eyes somewhat hazy, pupils dilated as he tried to catch his breath. “You’re kidding, right?” he finally replied in a dubious tone that quickly became sarcastic. “No, I constantly comment on your breasts and your ass, and come up with almost daily reasons to end up in your office, just because I’m trying so hard to cover up how disgusting I find you.”

He rolled his eyes, his tone softening with exasperated affection as he concluded, “Of course I want to do this. I’ve wanted to for years now.” He hesitated a moment. “Do you?”

Cuddy’s expression softened at the barely veiled insecurity in his suddenly solemn voice and searching, uncertain eyes. She rose up on her elbow, placing her free hand behind his head to draw him in close for a slow, thorough kiss. House’s hands were trembling slightly when they sought out her waist, sliding up just slightly under the hem of her blouse, and he hungrily deepened the kiss.

Cuddy only drew away when she couldn’t last another moment without oxygen, smiling up at him through slightly dazed, adoring eyes as she whispered breathlessly, “Does it feel like I want to?”

She was gratified to see relief in his eyes as he gave her a playful, self-satisfied smirk and leaned in for another kiss. His hands moved with more purpose, sliding up to unfasten the buttons on her silk blouse. Cuddy’s hands were buried in his hair, holding him to her as she kissed him slowly, intently, wanting to take her time and savor this moment that she had secretly wished for, for so long.

House, apparently, had other ideas.

He hurriedly pushed her blouse back off her shoulders, then deftly worked the clasp on the back of her bra. His warm, calloused hands slid over her shoulders, dragging the straps down her arms as his lips trailed from her mouth down her throat to eagerly mouth the swell of her breasts.

Cuddy drew in a sharp breath at the swift onslaught of sensation, her eyes closing, her head falling back for a moment, before she managed to regain some semblance of control, her hands blindly seeking out House’s hands, which were already working on the zippered waist of her skirt. She managed to still his efforts for a moment, opening her eyes and catching his questioning gaze.

“What’s the hurry?” she murmured gently. “Slow down a minute…”

“Don’t wanna slow down,” House muttered, reaching toward her skirt again. “Need to forget.”

Cuddy’s heart ached for him when she heard those words, but she knew that she couldn’t yield to the desires they expressed. If she allowed this encounter to be just another distraction for House, just another drug he used to dull the ache of the betrayals and abuse he had endured throughout his life – there would be no chance of it’s lasting beyond that night.

And with every touch, with every moment that passed – Cuddy was more certain that she wanted it to last.

“Cuddy,” House mumbled her name against her skin as his mouth found the soft skin at the base of her throat again. “Need you… need to forget…”

Gently but firmly, with a bit of an effort, Cuddy managed to push him back again, rolling as she did so that her body pinned him to the mattress. House let out an impatient whine as she held his hands in hers, keeping him from touching her for the moment, as she leaned down to indulge in another slow, tender kiss. She drew back to meet his eyes in a warm, affectionate smile.

“That’s ironic,” she said softly, glancing downward almost shyly before meeting his eyes again. “I was trying to remember.”

There was look of startled understanding in House’s eyes when he realized what she was talking about, and his expression softened into a gentle, nostalgic smile – a rare look for him, but one that Cuddy immediately decided she’d love to see more of. He freed one of his hands from hers to raise it to her cheek, watching in quiet awe as she leaned into the caress.

“That’s one thing I’d like to remember,” House agreed in a low, hoarse voice. “It was just… one night…”

“But such a night.”

Cuddy finished for him, and they shared a quiet laugh, before falling silent for a moment, each lost in their own memories of a single night nearly twenty years earlier. Cuddy was the first to re-initiate their activities, resting her hands on House’s shoulders before running them slowly down his sides.

“You weren’t my first,” she murmured thoughtfully, punctuating her words with soft, light kisses against his chest. “But you were… my first… if you know what I mean.”

She followed the confession with a shy smile, meeting his eyes, blushing at the look of pleased surprise on his face when he realized what she meant. She had been uncertain about revealing that particular detail about their encounter, but the look of pride and satisfaction on House’s face made it worth it.

“Well…” He shrugged slightly as he slowly unzipped her skirt and slid it down around her hips. “… that’s because whoever came before me – and yes, the inappropriate pun is intentional – obviously didn’t have the slightest clue what they were doing.”

The impact on his self-esteem was almost visible, and Cuddy wondered at the fact that not so very long ago, she sought out opportunities to cut his ego down a bit, rather than to build it up. But Wilson’s abuse, and the childhood traumas it had raised to the surface again, had left House in an unusually vulnerable state, unsure of his own self-worth – and now, all she wanted to do was to make him see how much more he deserved.

Her hands followed his, pushing her skirt off with her feet and kicking it off the edge of the bed, as she reached for the buckle of his belt. The blanket was still in between them, so she started to slide it down with his jeans – and was surprised when his hands abruptly stopped hers, holding them in place. She looked up to meet his eyes in a silent question – and was stunned by the sudden apprehension and insecurity she saw there.

“Don’t,” he whispered, averting his eyes, shaking his head slightly. “Come under here with me… don’t…”

Cuddy frowned in confusion. “What…?” She shook her head slightly – and then, her confusion faded into understanding, and a pang of sympathy went through her as she realized what the problem was.

He doesn’t want me to see his leg…

Sympathy was swiftly followed by guilt, and she swallowed back a hard knot that formed in her throat.

Like I have a right to mind his scar… He wouldn’t have it if it wasn’t for me…

A moment’s awkward silence was brought to a timely end as she pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth, her tongue slipping past his slightly parted lips, which gradually yielded to her kiss. She was relieved when she felt the tension slowly ease from House’s body, and pulled away for a moment with an affectionate smile, as she reached across to the night table to turn off the light.

She climbed under the covers, snuggling in close to House and thrilling to the feeling of his skin against hers as she renewed her efforts to remove his pants. He helped her, and she felt his hands trembling slightly under hers as she slid them down past his thighs. He kicked them the rest of the way off, his hands sliding around to cup the soft curves of her ass, his lips once again finding her breast.

Cuddy let out a soft moan of pleasure at the contact, her arms wrapping around and drawing him closer to her.

“House,” she whispered, a shudder of pleasure shaking through her as his mouth latched onto her nipple, teeth scraping lightly against her sensitive skin before shifting to the other side. “God…”

Encouraged by her obvious approval, House slid his right hand down between her legs, expert fingers striking a chord of need and longing within her that she instantly recognized – and all at once, it was as if it had only been days since the last time, rather than the many years that had passed.

House was more restrained than she remembered him, and Cuddy realized with a pang of sad nostalgia that it was because of the way the years had so thoroughly trained him to always conceal his vulnerability. Still, his quiet, muffled groans and suppressed whimpers of pleasure and need told her that she still remembered the way he liked to be touched, the things that turned him on.

Clearly, he remembered just as well.

By the time he asked if she was “ready” – Cuddy was far beyond ready. In fact, she was on the verge of desperation, not sure she could wait another moment. She nodded her consent breathlessly, drawing in a sharp gasp of pleasure as he slid into her, thrusting slowly, drawing out the sensation.

They instantly fell into a natural rhythm that had become familiar to them long ago, moving with each other, perfectly in sync. Each wave crested a little higher, each touch driving them nearer to the edge of oblivion – until finally, they tumbled over the edge, together, in a rush of intense heat and overwhelming sensation.

Feeling drained and breathless, thoroughly sated, Cuddy slid to the side, off of House, leaving her arms wrapped around him as she rested her head on his shoulder. He was gasping, eyes closed, struggling to catch his breath, but he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, silently drawing her closer to him, and she felt a rush of soft warmth at the unexpectedly tender gesture.

“Now that was definitely worth remembering.”

Perhaps it was his simple, affectionate touch, or the touch of something beyond simple admiration she heard in his voice, that inspired Cuddy’s next words, but before she knew she was going to say them, they had slipped out in a gentle near-whisper.

“Out of all the affairs I’ve had, in college and since… you’re the only one that was ever worth remembering.”

She felt House freeze for a moment at her side… then slowly relax again, and she knew that his reaction was one of sheer surprise, that she would think so highly of their brief time together so long ago.

That she would think so highly of him.

A sense of determination seized her, and she lifted her head to meet his eyes, touched by the awe and uncertainty she saw there – as if he barely dared to believe that she could possibly have meant what she’d just said.

Time to see if I can change that.

“You know… I think ever since that time… I’ve always compared anyone I’ve been with… to you,” she confessed softly, smiling when his eyes widened in surprise and disbelief. “Even when I haven’t been willing to admit it, House,” she continued hesitantly, “you’re the most fascinating, intriguing, amazing man I’ve ever known… and… as hard as I’ve tried… I’ve never met anyone else who could compare.”

“Amazing, huh?” he echoed dubiously, a single brow raised, his voice low and cautious.

She nodded. “In fact… the only way you could be any more amazing…” She drew in a deep breath, steadying herself before plunging forward. “…would be… if you knew it.”

House let out a quiet scoff. “Right.” His voice held a note of quiet irony. “I thought we’d firmly established the fact that my ego knows no bounds. It’s the one thing you love about me.”

He gave her his trademark smirk, using techniques perfected over years of painful experience in concealing his emotions. In fact, those methods had worked on Cuddy more times than she wanted to think about.

But she wasn’t buying it – not this time.

She leaned forward slowly, holding his gaze as long as she could, bringing her lips to his in a tender kiss, before pulling back and speaking in a soft, intimate whisper, words she never would have thought she’d venture to speak to House.

“There’s a lot of things I love about you.”

A sense of complete vulnerability accompanied the words, and Cuddy lowered her head to his chest, finding herself unable to face him in the wake of her confession, for fear of seeing his usual mockery in his eyes, having her words thrown back in her face in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible.

When House did not move or speak for several moments, Cuddy cringed inwardly, preparing herself for the worst.

Then, she felt a slight hitch in his breath, heard the shaking sound of his slow exhale, and knew that he was struggling to control his own emotions. When she felt his hand slowly, tentatively stroke her hair, she felt an overwhelming sense of relief, knowing that she had made the right decision in sharing her sentiments with him – even if he wasn’t able to share them back quite yet.

In the morning, neither of them would remember who fell asleep first – but both would forever remember the feeling of security and peace and safety that followed them, as they drifted off in the shelter of each other’s arms.

TBC...

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Comments

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

did you read my note at the top of the entry, hon? :) cause it answered this question... and ... er... this is the *only* huddy sex there's been in the whole fic, so... :P

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

see, to me? their conversation wasn't "pillow talk" even, until the end... their conversation was more about how everything with wilson has affected house, how he still feels responsible for all of it, all of that... and i really don't feel that the conversation was "filler" at all... it was a necessary part of the story to show where they're at, at this point, emotionally and mentally... sorry if you disagree

[chaoskir.livejournal.com]

I like those chapter and I like your first remark that we get more knowledge about "what happens to Wilson" soon. Those new chapter is great and I do love your Cuddy and House in your fics.
I'm just glad House can be happy with Cuddy. Cuddy will take care of him and House will take care of her. That's great!
Thanks a lot for sharing those interesting update.
Well I'm a H/W-shipper so I need to know what is happens to Wilson.

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

thanx, love, i'm glad you enjoyed this past chapter.. house is needing a little love and reassurance at this point... the next chapter is all about wilson, though, so you should like it :) i just posted it now :) thanx :) *hugs*

[arhh.livejournal.com]

Very tender, very sweet and exactly what House needs and deserves :)
I do love the two of them together.

I am working on a Huddy fic of my own that explores the relationship they had in college for karaokegal's costume fic party thing. Taking a slightly different view, that it was more than a one night thing, but I find any stories about that interesting :)

Thanks for the update, great as always :)

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

awwww, that should be very interesting... ive always wondered what exactly happened between them... :) glad you enjoyed this chapter, hon :) thanx so much :) the next one is up now :) *hugs*

[jackssilverwolf.livejournal.com]

After all poor House has been through, it's nice to read some tenderness for him. Well done!

So, do you know how much longer this fic will be? Not that I want it to end, mind you. I'm just curious. Like does it go to trial? Used will be going through trial scenes, right?

I gotta say, I am impressed. Two novel feature length stories going on plus lengthening drabbles into full length and you manage to update almost every day. And I totally appreciate. ;o)

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

awwww, thanx so much, hon, i'm glad you're enjoying it, it really means a lot to get your consistent, thoughtful comments :)

this fic is almost done, possibly even just an epilogue left at this point... used still has a ways to go, and yes, we will be going through a trial with it...

the next chapter of both stories is up now... but you're on vacation now, aren'tcha? :P hehe... looking forward to your thoughts when you return :) *hugs*

[myene-01.livejournal.com]

awww...GROUP HUG!

Well, ok, not 'group'...but...umm...

yea, anywho...

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

hehe... yeaaaaah, though house might like that ;) hehe... thanx so much, hon, glad you liked the chapter... next one is up now :)

[stlyn.livejournal.com]

Aww.

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

hehe :P thanx, love... next chapter's up now :)

TEMPTED

[kirkshomegirl61.livejournal.com]

Well, you have gotten me to scan this story to see if I can tolerate Wilson. This chapter was a pleasant surprise. Again ,very well written. I feel as if I was there with them. Very realistic writing. Well Done!

Re: TEMPTED

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

hehe.. thanx, love, glad you checked it out :) *hugs* at this point in the fic we're pretty much past all the evil!wilson stuff :P of course, the fic is... ahem... almost over :P lol... but glad you liked this chapter... i just posted the next one :)

[lhoma320.livejournal.com]

OMG! So happy! This was great! I loved how Cuddy asks House to slow down and House's response was priceless "Don't wanna slow down." Such a great House line. So perfect for him. :D

I love how House and Cuddy are opposites! Here House wants to go fast and forget and Cuddy wants to go slow to remember. So brilliant! :D

Favorite line "because whoever came before me." LOL Great pun! :D A perfect House line!

Well, I guess I was ready because I enjoyed every single word of this chapter. So many great lines: "she was on the verge of desperation",
"They instantly fell into a natural rhythm that had become familiar to them long ago",
"Each wave crested a little higher, each touch driving them nearer to the edge of oblivion – until finally, they tumbled over the edge, together." Phew!

I really liked the way you tied in what happened in the past to the present. For me, I think that made their sleeping together while still maintaining a working relationship and friendship easier to understand. Thanks for that! :D

Wow!! The whole foreplay part was so intense! I loved it! :D

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

awwww, thanx so much, hon, i'm glad you liked this chapter since you were a bit worried about it going here :P *hugs* the next one is up now :)

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

yum.

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

hehehe.. glad you liked ;) *hugs* the next chapter is up now :)

[niicelaady.livejournal.com]

The Huddy! It burns!

Just teasing, hon. You know I don't care for this ship, but there's no denying that this is beautifully written and very realistic given the circumstances of the story. I especially love this:

“In fact… the only way you could be any more amazing…” She drew in a deep breath, steadying herself before plunging forward. “…would be… if you knew it.”

So true. I think House deep down has a hard time believing any woman would be interested in him as anything but a "charity case" (see: Cameron) and would be genuinely shocked to find that someone of the female persuasion truly cares for him just the way he is.

But I'm also with the folks who want to know what is up with Wilson. Looking forward to the next chapter!

Hugs, NL

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

yeah, i think that's so sadly true... house has confidence in one thing, and that's his mind.. beyond that, his self-worth is so terribly low, and i think cuddy's tenderness in this chapter was needed for him, especially after wilson's damaging abuse... glad you liked the chapter, hon :) *hugs* in spite of the huddy... the next one is up now, hope you like it as well :)

[madwriter223.livejournal.com]

Awww... I'm all... fluffy-feeling and stuff. ^__^

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

awwww, glad you liked it :) *Hugs* thanx so much, hon ... the next one is up now :)

[isilinde1982.livejournal.com]

Oh, that was so sweet! Simply perfect! I think this was possibly the most beautiful Huddy love-scene I've ever read.

[dreamsofspike.livejournal.com]

awwww, thanx, hon *blushes* such high praise... glad you enjoyed it, love :) the next one is up now :)